Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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