yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
