I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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