Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
