hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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