Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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