my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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