I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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