omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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