I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
