i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
