My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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