Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Houston, we have a blender
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
