Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
