Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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