I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
