I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
