Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
