It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
