That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
