I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
