What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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