remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
