So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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