I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
