Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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