you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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