So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
