my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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