I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize