i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
