Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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