i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
