When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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