wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
