Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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