I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
