I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
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