God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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