Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize