Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
