I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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