How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize