I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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