I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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