he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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