Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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