im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
barbara walters just said penis...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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