Someone shit on the floor
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
