so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
