why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
