If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She needs sedatives and a leash
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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