sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Bang-toberfest begins!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
