I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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