omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
