I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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