Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
