I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
